economy holiday north america pop culture
All I want for Christmas
By John Hockenberry, Adaora Udoji, Jesse Baker, Jen Poyant
Wednesday, December 24 2008
“People think I’m horrible for telling my child there is no santa.” That’s the sentiment that struck North Dakota resident Amber Stogner. There may be no Santa but those who read the note have demonstrated that the spirit of Christmas is thriving. Ms. Stogner joins us with her story.
Related:
• 10 Tips: How to recover from holiday clutter
• Yes, Virginia (and the rest of the world), there is a Santa Claus
• The science of gift giving
• Shop(lift)ing for the holidays
• Holiday Recipes: Christmas traditions with Rocco DiSpirito and his mom
Santa Claus (USASearch.gov)
I keep up with post secret and get emails every sunday and Ambers story stayed with me because my mother is a single mom who raised my three brothers and I all on her own and she has a hard time dealing with the ups and downs of work and I want all moms out there to know... just tell us (your kids) the truth... we'll understand. If not right there, eventually. My blessings go out to every single mother trying to make it work for their kids.
Posted by Kristin, 9:01 p.m. Thursday, December 25 2008 Permalink
I read someones secret " Sex was like Abuse" I was married only for 6 months and during those months I dreaded the idea of having sex with my husband. I was morbidly terrified that every time he wanted sex I would cry and tell him to stop "Raping" me. I finally got divorced but it still haunts me.
Posted by Christen, 9:07 p.m. Thursday, December 25 2008 Permalink
Does this mean you are a lesbian? Or do you feel sexually attractive to men? I just wonder cause I have friends that have told me the same thing. Are you a virgin and are afraid of sex. Have you been rapped? Just wondered why you felt this way and are you currently in a relationship with a male?
Posted by zisky, 10:57 a.m. Sunday, December 28 2008 Permalink
Good for you for getting out. There is nothing wrong with you and everything wrong with people that feel you feeling violated is your problem. I think that you are very brave for even being able to tell people about that experience.
Posted by person, 1:49 a.m. Monday, December 29 2008 Permalink
Christen,
I can relate. It was never my choice to have sex with my husband it was forced and expected of me, I never initiated it because it didnt matter. I was going to be forced into sex no matter what, it was just easier for me not to put up a fight and struggle because I didnt want either of us to get hurt. Your not alone.
Posted by Kris, 5:06 p.m. Monday, December 29 2008 Permalink
Wow, you are just heartless. Maybe she wanted to wait until she was married to have sex. You will never know a person as well as you think you do, because you will never know everything about someone. Until people get what they want, they can manage hiding those skeletons in their closets and hiding their true colors from you.
Posted by Ashley, 1:10 p.m. Tuesday, December 30 2008 Permalink
Marriage has always been about sex (and economics) because marriage was created as a unit in which to bear and raise children. We are now living in a time when people are no longer marrying for that reason but the cultural expectation of sex + marriage hasn't changed. You may think you're enlightened because you don't feel the two should have to go together but it's just as cruel to marry a guy and deny him sex as it is for a man to marry a woman and deny her affection.
Posted by bluecanary, 12:10 p.m. Saturday, January 3 2009 Permalink
The other day I hailed a taxi, was driven to my destination then balked when he asked me to pay. Why would he just assume I was going to pay him?
Marriages can certainly exist without sex but that is not the norm. The majority of people expect sex from their marriage partner. If you want a sexless marriage the intelligent and un-cruel thing to do is to first find a partner who wishes the same.
Posted by bluecanaray, 12:05 p.m. Saturday, January 3 2009 Permalink
you shouldn't have to feel forced into anything... and if it felt wrong then it was good for you to get out. things like that should be enjoyable.. and if it's not, then something is really wrong. and not with you, not at all. there are so many things that could make you feel that way.. but really the best thing is that you got out of it
Posted by , 12:07 a.m. Saturday, January 3 2009 Homepage Permalink
I have not been able to tell anyone my secrets. I have battled with them for as long as I can remember and everyday they haunt me. I am so scared that one day my daughter will find out. I thank everyone for their courage to send in your secrets, maybe oneday Ill have the courage to write mine out.
Posted by Annonymous, 9:11 p.m. Thursday, December 25 2008 Permalink
I sent Amber some money on paypal and it was the most amazing moment of my life. I've watched my mom for the past five years struggle with being a single mom, and 5 years after the divorce, this was the first Christmas we'd ever been able to give to others.
Amber, I hope you and your son had a very wonderful Christmas, and this whole thing has given me a new direction in my life.
Posted by Aj, 5:49 a.m. Friday, December 26 2008 Permalink
When I saw that people were reaching out to help those kids I felt a little less bitter about not getting anything again for the holidays. I'm not a little kid anymore (I'm 17), and gifts aren't that big of a deal to me, but what I really wish I could do was give to those kids who don't get anything. Here people do what I'm still not able to do just yet.
This is wonderful, just beautiful.
Posted by hallie, 1:26 a.m. Sunday, December 28 2008 Homepage Permalink
im one of the people that gave a donation to try and help out
it was one of the best things ive even done.. i even shed a tear or two, we didnt have it too bad at home with money, like we didnt have much but every present we got we cherished because we knew its not like our parents could afford to just buy another one if we broke it.
but you know i wouldnt change a thing
Posted by Sarah, 1:38 a.m. Sunday, December 28 2008 Permalink
I lost my job Monday, December 22 - yes, right before the BIG day. I had already gone shopping for my 3 children (12,8 & 7) when I lost my job - their gifts were returned. I had friends offer to help me out, but I refused because I want that joy of giving my kids what they want. Although we were without this year, we will always have love, and that was the most important thing in our home. Merry Christmas everyone, and fellow postsecret fans.
Posted by annonymous, 2:20 a.m. Sunday, December 28 2008 Homepage Permalink
I lost my job Monday, December 22 - yes, right before the BIG day. I had already gone shopping for my 3 children (12,8 & 7) when I lost my job - their gifts were returned. I had friends offer to help me out, but I refused because I want that joy of giving my kids what they want. Although we were without this year, we will always have love, and that was the most important thing in our home. Merry Christmas everyone, and fellow postsecret fans.
Posted by annonymous, 2:20 a.m. Sunday, December 28 2008 Homepage Permalink
I lost my job Monday, December 22 - yes, right before the BIG day. I had already gone shopping for my 3 children (12,8 & 7) when I lost my job - their gifts were returned. I had friends offer to help me out, but I refused because I want that joy of giving my kids what they want. Although we were without this year, we will always have love, and that was the most important thing in our home. Merry Christmas everyone, and fellow postsecret fans.
Posted by Connie, 2:21 a.m. Sunday, December 28 2008 Homepage Permalink
My children will know there is a Santa. Know it, not think it. He comes everyday, not once a year. He doesn't always bring gifts, and he doesn't always look the same. But I will tell my children that Santa Claus Is not a real person, but instead the generosity and kindness of real people, real situations, and that if they want Santa to be alive, they must carry on with the tradition themselves. They must become Santa too.
Posted by Kayley, 2:24 a.m. Sunday, December 28 2008 Permalink
When I was 7 (here in Anchorage Alaska) bullies were going to beat me up at school but didnt know if what their parents read on the front page of the Sunday paper was true - The title was SANTA GETS DWI WILL THEIR BE CHRISTMASS?? My father was a alcoholic and was pulled over in his van while being intoxicated and still dressed up as Santa. The picture on the front was a color photo taken from the back of the van while the rear doors were open it showed a police officer by the front passengers side door and Sants (my father)reaching to grab what apeared to be a vodka bottle- The paper sighted his real name and the kids ridiculed my because we all still beleaved in Santa till that day - yet they still beleaved enough to think if he was the real Santa I was Santas kid- Dad always called me Santas little helper from then on.
Posted by AlaskanLady, 8:37 a.m. Sunday, December 28 2008 Permalink
Awww =[ I'm sorry you had to go through that. I've been bullied my whole life, but learned to try and ignore it as much as I can. Your story just made me think of when I was 4 and at my daycare, my dad dressed up as Santa and I was so excited. I kept shouting, "It's my dad! It's my dad!" Only my friends believed me, everyone else yelled at me and was mean to me for saying that it was my dad, because clearly I can't recognize my own father!
p.s. Alaska rocks ^o^!
Posted by Alyeska, 3:32 p.m. Sunday, December 28 2008 Permalink
"Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished."
-Francis Pharcellus Church
Posted by Melissa, 10:14 a.m. Sunday, December 28 2008 Permalink
I also told my daughter there is no Santa this year- I'm working two jobs to try and save the mortgage, and I finally decided I'd rather that she know that I care enough to work so hard for her sake, then to think that presents magically appear. I want her to know WHY I keep talking to her about education, going to college, choosing a career is so important. I don't want her getting married at 18 and ending up a single mother by the time she is 25, barely able to make her mortgage, living paycheck to paycheck, and skipping meals so her children can have dinner. So yea, Santa isn't real. Bills, mortgages, the need to educate herself, and her Mommy's love is what is read.
Posted by J, 10:52 a.m. Sunday, December 28 2008 Permalink
What a sad world we would live in if there were no Santa Claus. What a sad life to be told at a young age. Shame on you for taking away the small amount of magic in this world. It is very selfish and egotistical to tell children there is no Santa. Just because you are so sad and have forgotten doesn't mean you should punish your children. I am 30 and still believe! And if you think that getting presents is all that Santa is about, than you are sadly mistaken!!
Posted by BELIEVE, 12:42 p.m. Sunday, December 28 2008 Permalink
In my opinion, I'd prefer knowing the truth than believing in a lie. Just because there is no such man as Santa, does not mean the world is sad or anything of the like. It's only as bad as we make it out to be.
My parents let me know there was no santa when i was five. Now I'm 12 and i still don't think what my parents did was punishing me or selfish.
Posted by Anonymous, 11:12 p.m. Sunday, December 28 2008 Permalink
You are so wrong. You are so completely wrong. Children eventually need to know the truth: that their parents love them and try hard to provide for them, but that there are times when it is terribly difficult. Children want to know the truth, they want to be able to trust that their parents don't lie to them. I'm not saying to never have Santa, but when they reach a certain age, it's not harmful to tell them the truth.
Posted by Exurban Mom, 12:27 a.m. Monday, December 29 2008 Permalink
No BELIEVE, the only thing wrong here is you. I don't think you have the right to scold her because she couldn't afford to give her children presents. No, I think it's much worse to continue telling them there is a Santa when you don't have money for gifts and when they wake up not finding anything making them think that they were bad or Santa forgot them that year. Shame on YOU for even thinking about scolding her for things out of her control. I'm 17 and I figured out there was no Santa when I was 8, I wasn't that disappointed about there being no Santa. I was upset because my mom and aunt were lying to me. I don't believe in Santa, but there is plenty of magic in the world for me.
Posted by Stephanie, 4:30 a.m. Tuesday, December 30 2008 Homepage Permalink
Selfish and egotistical? I was never told that a big old man in red broke into my house when I was a kid and I don't think it has made my world 'sad'.
Death, poverty, and war make the world sad, but deciding not to lie to your children is a perfectly valid decision.
If you think Father Christmas is the only good thing about the world then perhaps your thirty years have not been spent well.
Posted by Katrina, 9:01 p.m. Wednesday, December 31 2008 Homepage Permalink
There has been & always will be only one gift from Santa in our home! It's not some extravagant electronic gift either but is always something we would like to have. The rest of the gifts are things the kids need and money has been stashed all year. These items include socks, undergarments,clothing (not designer brands) & things of this nature. Things in the stockings are not expensive items. They are treats, usually homemade. My kids still look forward to Christmas and do not ever seem disappointed!
Posted by Santa's gift, 2:26 p.m. Sunday, December 28 2008 Permalink
I didn't have the opportunity to donate for Amber, but my friends and I have started a tradition (two years and counting) of adopting a family instead of buying each other gifts each holiday season.
Each year we pool our money (as much as we feel we can afford - usually $20-$30 each, since we're all grad students) and adopt a family from a local shelter or other non-profit. We then go shopping together and enjoy each other's company, all while making Christmas even better for people who need it. This makes Christmas all the merrier for us as we get the true joy of giving to those who need it and appreciate it more than we would the "stuff" we would have exchanged amongst ourselves.
I would encourage everyone to consider such a tradition, or if nothing else donating a single toy, blanket or scarf to a shelter - there's always someone who needs it and the joy of giving it is uncomparable!
Posted by Christine, 3:35 p.m. Sunday, December 28 2008 Permalink
I applaud Amber for being such a strong woman in such hard times. It truly saddens me that there were people who were heartless enough to scold Amber or think badly of her actions. It took a lot of courage to do what she did, and in the end she still made many selfless actions. Amber's story made me grateful for my own Santa, my mom, who struggled just as she did
Posted by Alexa, 3:26 a.m. Monday, December 29 2008 Permalink
What an awful interview! The interview itself, not the story.
They didn't understand the concept of PostSecret, they hadn't done their research--they thought she was the original poster!, and right when she was getting to the good message about giving what you can, not necessarily in large amounts, he cuts her off!
As a long time PostSecret reader, I feel kind of offended. Applause to them for even picking up the story, and yes they had time constraints, but the treatment didn't seem very respectful. 5 minutes of reading, guys—all the information he got wrong is right on the site. This won’t be the last time PostSecret is on NPR, so hopefully they can do a better story than a 4 minute Christmas filler story.
Posted by Sarah Rhymer, 2:56 p.m. Monday, December 29 2008 Permalink
I was always brought up knowing Santa wasn't real, more a fun character related to Christmas. Now I'm 18 and don't feel like I have missed anything by not 'believing.' In my opinion, the only thing I've missed out on is the tears and disappointment all my friends went through when they "found out."
Posted by Jessie, 7:47 p.m. Monday, December 29 2008 Permalink
Im so crazy over an old guy in my office. everyday i stare at him and falls deeper into the whole emotions. i wish i could have him as my spouse. i will mother his chilren ... i will do anything for him. the qns is... would he allow me to?
i hope with all my heart my this wish comes true.
Posted by ZAN, 3:42 a.m. Tuesday, December 30 2008 Permalink
I wish I could have donated some money, but I don't have any money and I don't work yet. I don't intend to tell my future children that there is a Santa because I want my kids to know that someone they loved gave them and not some jolly fat guy who gives everyone some presents. I want them to feel special and I don't want to have to lie to them.
Posted by Stephanie, 4:17 a.m. Tuesday, December 30 2008 Homepage Permalink
I think all kids should believe in Santa. What is life without a little magic? With Amber's story, she didn't think she would have any money to get her gifts kids, but look at what happened. Even if there isn't some guy in a red suit, whoever gets gifts is a Santa themselves.
Posted by Alm, 1:15 p.m. Tuesday, December 30 2008 Permalink
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