What happens when you want to save money for a home, or your kids’ college or for retirement, but your spouse wants to blow it on a trip to Bali or, even worse, waste it away, one dinner out at a time? While our nation has picked over just about every other topic—sex, love, politics—the one we seem to successfully avoid discussing is money. And yet a classic study by Paul R. Amato and Stacey J. Rogers found that feeling that one’s spouse wastes money is the third most common reason why people get divorced, after affairs and drug abuse.

Beth Kobliner, author of New York Times best-seller Get a Financial Life, recommends that you and your partner pick one date a month to discuss money. No one wants to be nagged, so setting a time and choosing a relaxed setting (perhaps for a drink but not for a fancy dinner!) will minimize impromptu arguments and help you find common financial ground. Here are seven tips for talking about money with a mate, whether you’re just getting serious or have been married for decades:

1. BE HONEST. Be crystal clear about where you are (debts, credit histories, income, assets, etc.) and where you want to go. What kind of lifestyle do you want? Family camping trips or a big annual trip to Europe?
2. DECIDE WHO WILL PAY WHAT. Write down expenses required to keep your household running (electric bill, groceries, toiletries, vacations, kids’ piano classes, etc.) so that you’re both aware of the costs of living. Consider splitting all household bills as a percentage of income, or sharing everything 50/50. There’s no right way; find the ratio that works for you.
3. LAND ON LOGISTICS. Figure out who will write checks and act as bookkeeper. Where will you record your purchases? Will you skip paper entirely and just do it all online? Websites like www.mint.com work well as an impartial third-party for tracking spending.
4. SET TIMELINES. You may want to buy a home in July 2010 whereas your partner is thinking July 2020. So don’t just list goals—rank them.
5. DISCUSS YOUR LONG-TERM VISION. It’s also important to address the far-off future. Are you on-track for retirement? You can find information at www.choosetosave.org, and the website basic.esplanner.com provides a handy calculator to see if you’re saving enough. For life insurance, www.insureuonline.org is a good impartial place to start your search. It provides guidance for what insurance you need based on different life situations (e.g. “Young Singles,” “Established Families,” “Domestic Partners”). A great resource for how to pay for your kids’ education is www.savingforcollege.com.
6. WRITE IT DOWN. Jot down everything you discuss and agree to do (you can sign it to make it formal) so you’re both accountable to each other.
7. CONSIDER OUTSIDE HELP. An accountant could be especially useful in the first year of marriage, as one’s tax situation gets pretty complicated during the year when you go from single to married. If you want to get more personal financial advice, pay for a 2-hour session with a fee-only financial planner. Find one at www.napfa.org or www.garrettplanningnetwork.com. If debt is an issue, try www.aiccca.org or www.debtadvice.org.