Adoptive parents do not go into this with the mind set that I want to give my child back. I was a foster parent first then adoptive parent, my daughter was a three month old batter and abused little girl that we brought home from the hospital. We gave her everything we thought was right and good, but some of the things that we saw and thought it was because she was just an infant has grown into things that we would never imagine and no matter what we do , no matter how much love her and give her it seems not enough. Things seem to get worse not better, we love our daughter and we haven't given up, but it definitely not easy at all.

what does a parent of an adoptive child do when the child has been diagnosed as a sociopath...child stabbed step father and threatened siblings. We have had our child since 1997 she is 13 years old and has been on every medication immaginable by her doctors who don't seem to want to help her. DCFS will not do anything and I can't have her in my home, we all fear her.. Just this past week a doctor told me she has no doubt my daughter will kill someone one day and more than likely it will be me (mom) because I am closer to her than anyone else.

How can I get DCFS and society to understand that she is truly sick and needs to be hospitalized and stay in the hospital until she isn't a threat to anyone (if that is ever possible).

She has never been abused only loved and cared for. Please help me I have no one to turn to...

Patricia from New York: April 19, 2020. I whole-heartedly agree with you. Especially the very last 3 sentences. This is a mental illness that is dangerous and permanent. The system in the US does not recognize the HUGE magnitude of mental illness. That's what needs to be fixed. If the agent(s) understood, US will be a great place to adopt.

I am a foster mother to a child whom I hope to adopt. I've chosen this route for a number of reasons, one of which is that it gives me the opportunity to get to know a child well before beginning the adoption process. I highly recommend foster-to-adopt for all prospective adoptive parents.

That said, I think all adoptive parents should have the same expectations and responsibilities as birth parents, which includes the option to relinquish parental rights and entrust the child's care to another person or to the government.

Responsible adoption agencies recognize that disruption/ dissolution is a reality for some adoptive placements, thus they have resources in place to help adoptive families work through potential issues and help keep the family together. And when things don't work out, they find another adoptive placement for the child.

I was adopted as a child and I was returned because of emotional problems, like attachment disorder. I was not a danger and I never did things like kill animals. In fact my behavior was typical of a young rebellious teen. I tried cigarettes, I skipped school a couple times, I snuck out of the house twice. Yet my problem was not feeling like I fit in. I had low self esteem, I listened to angry music, I wanted to look like I was tough so people would be too scared of me to want to hurt me or pick on me because I didn't feel like I was good enough to fit in if I had tried. Then my older brother of my adopted family died. I was 14 and it was decided that I would be thrown into the system. It's where I stayed until I was legally allowed to be on my own.
I was shipped from placement to placement, months in between, so you never get stability. Youth programs only last month and then you "graduate" and shipped to another program with senseless rules about crossing your feet and overly structured so that you never have fun. The doors and windows have alarms and if you behave like a good robot you can look forward to maybe getting to go out to buy ice cream as a group for an hour on a weekend. It's the highlight of your life. No teenage crushes, no dances, no prom, no friends to hangout with, no camping. Speaking to boys is strictly prohibited and the tiny issues are slammed down onto you as hard as the safety rules. So if your in the system long enough acceptable behavior is blurred into the legal ass covering rules, and your perception of the world is confused as to where acceptable good behavior begins and healthy social stability, and unacceptable bad choices end. When it's beat in enough, talking to a boy and doing drugs are on the same level of comfort.
Your herded around like sheep and it's the common rule of every placement of the 11 or 12 different homes and program that I survived, that your not allowed to have emotional attachment to anyone. ( legal safety net) so it was drilled daily into us " We are not friends, we are acquaintances." as for staff, the only adult examples and the closets thing to the orphans parents, among which a overly used catch phrase of most every home was joyed in repeating to us, as others with the same lesson to be learned. If we made the mistake of saying thank you " Don't thank me, thank your caseworker for putting you here" and of course the legal rule of personal space. that means no human contact. Whatsoever. Very big no no and reason enough to lose a ice cream outing.. you know, the only thing we had to live for.
So as for me, the lack of human contact had me hiding in the bathroom ( the only private place since some places would house up to 20 girls in a room or as little as four, and of course you where only allowed into your room at "room time" do to our overly zealous rules) and I would close my eyes and hug myself and pretending like it was someone else hugging me who loved me. You fein for contact.

I am adopted out of Colombia. I personally feel both parties should have the right to decide weather the placement is a suitable fit. As far as a window of six months, I do not agree. Why? Because in my case problems did not arise until years later. I was an infant. I feel; although it may not be realistic, I felt my adoptive family was not suitable for me. I today have severe abondament issues. I wish I had the right to decide this family was not a good match. Today, I have no wanting to have any type of relationship with my adoptive family. I moved away in fact. They are selfish and had no wanting to help me understand my adoption. Problems occured during my adolesent years and continued to get worse. I honestly wish I had a choice. Alot of families have good intent at the time but really have no idea what they truely are facing. A white family NEVER can understand what a child of a different race is going through or what it is like. NEVER! They certainly can try but really never can be in that childs shoes. In this case it is different- the child to my belief was the same color as the mother. I still feel that each party should have the right to decide if its a good fit. On top of that there should not be a window of time. Six months to me is to little to really to get to know a child and problems could arise later. Then what. I agree some parents have good intent but really are over their heads and really do not understand what they are getting into. Maybe not all issues are disclosed from either party because they just want to get the child adopted and the family "seems" like a match. Well, everyone puts out their best foot and wants to seem like they are a great family. But! what if they abuse, moleste or whatever. And they never where caught. Like in my case. They after the window closed- its like the "we've got the child now" attitude. I dont know probably people wont agree but it is my own personal opinion and I am an international adoptee. And I am almost 40 And I do have abandonment issues And I do seek help. It just sucks (excuse me) but I often wonder what my life would be like if I was placed in another family of my race. I know I am commenting on a different issue but just wanted to put it out there. The Russian child regardless will have deep issues forever! Either way. It just was not a good match.

If I were an adoptive child and had adoptive parents who did not love me with all my foibles, undisclosed issues and costs, I would not want to live in their house longer. I would fear being resented and loathed. It would crush my self esteem on top of all else I must face. Growing up takes such a long time, living with people 'forced ' to keep me would be another kind of suffering. Please dont be 'fake strong' on my account. I am a child and am not responsible for how others represent me or treat me prior to arriving in my adoptive home. If I am not loved 'as is' then send me back.

Thank you for your sharing your story Orlando. Perhaps if people start listening to adoptees they won't be so shocked and amazed and see us as dolls in a baby-store.

I do have to mention adoption disruption also happens to domestic/infant adoption.

Only if adopted children are also given the right to get new parents if they feel the ones that adopted them are unacceptable. There are plenty of adoptive parents with some kind of mental issues that regularly abuse and neglect. So how about some equality? If they can give us back we should be able to trade them in. After all, seems like they misrepresented themselves in the first place.

I am a mother by adoption of a 5 year girl born in the US. All weekend when I heard ads for this piece I kept talking back to the radio asking why parenting adopted kids would be any different from parenting kids by birth. And I wanted to ask if The Takeaway would seriously pose a question about wether or not it was right to give up children by birth? John, you considering giving up your new born child? And, what about your son, Celeste?

The way I see it is parents by birth and by adoption have a lot of things in common, especially in that some of them fail miserably as parents and others do a decent, even good, job.

The Tennesee woman should be treated like any other parent who abandons a child. Both she and the boy will no doubt be dealing with the effects of this poorly administered and monitored adoption for a very long time.

My question to The Takeaway is why would you take such a very one-sided approach to the very complicated story of adoption? Why not do a piece on why so many countries treat babies given up for adoption so poorly that they are emotionally scarred for life. How about something about attachment disorders that result from "care" in home countries that send kids abroad for adoption?

Instead, you your piece added more confusion and negative ideas about the story of adoption. While my daughter and I have an ongoing conversation about her adoption, it is personal and evolving. Yet at least twice a week someone comes up to me and my daughter, who is of a different race, to ask "where I got her from, " or, recently, her very well intentioned kindergarten teacher pulled out her social studies drawing of her family and said that she thought I'd want to see it because it shows how "attached" my daughter is to me. Or someone at my job commented on how nice it is that I care so much about my daughter. Or the extra special comment about "she's so lucky."

I alway wish people understood adoption better and I was disappointed in this piece. Next time you do a piece on adoption, please do a bit more research with the experts.

I have family members who adopted two children from Moscow. They were deceived and lied to by the orphanage, and the boy they adopted ended up having severe problems.

After years of trauma, fear, and sadness, they finally had to turn him over to the state authorities. Unfortunately, this boy will need to be locked up his entire life -- his needs were far beyond my family members' capabilities. They are smart, educated, caring people, and this has devastated them.

He is a danger to himself and everyone else. Doctor after doctor told them to "not stay in the house another day" with him. It has been devastating because you ARE dealing with a human being. But what happens when the child himself is a danger and needs intense and life-long care?

My family members are educated with a strong and smart support group around them. I can see how someone without a support network or knowledge of other options may be at their wits end and not know what else to do. I do not condone what the Tennessee mother did, but I do understand how she got to that point.

Many of the children in Russia were terribly abused. The boy my family members adopted had lesions on his brain that several doctors told them are seen only in serial killers ... and doctor after doctor told them they and their other children were in danger from this cute little 7 year old. He was manipulative and knew how to "play" people to get his needs met, yet was a danger to those closest to him,.

It is tragic all around and shows the need for education for those who care for orphaned newborns -- particularly in eastern Europe.

Please don't condemn the woman in Tennessee based on what is shown in the media. She very likely was in way over her head with a very troubled child and did not have resources to handle it.

One more issue -- why do people go to foreign countries to adopt when there are so many needy children here in the U.S.? It's the laws. A U.S. birth parent can come back after years and stake claim to their child -- which is terrifying for those who adopt. Birth parent rights are very important, but it does drive well-meaning families out of the country.

These are complicated issues and cannot be correctly characterized by a soundbyte.

I feel very bad for the young man from Colombia who felt rejected. I feel his return was not the first mistake made in his situation. The offficials who set up this adoption did a terrible job matching the family to the child. It seems the family that took him in was a poor fit for him. While I agree they seem to have made mistakes, to call them "cold" sounds to me like he felt rejected, not upon his return, but before he was even sent to NY. Cold people do not open their home to strangers. It would behoove the journalistic frenzy on this topic to refocus on the agencies and foreign officials who facilitate these adoptions. I have several friends who have had their hearts ripped out and their wallets emptied by carrupt officials and agents who have no interest in anything but money.

I am a mother through international adoption, my daughter has Reactive Attachment Disorder and numerous other diagnosis. We were not aware of it at the time nor did it become clear until we were home for about a year. Never once have I considered "returning her." Mary from Florida, if your biological child had a problem at birth that was not caught during an ultrasound would you return him or her? Unfortunately that is the assumption that we as adoptive parents would give them back right away. Yes, unfortunately, there are times that a disruption is the only answer, but not for the majority of families. There needs to be better support in place for families and the families need to know that they can ask for help. There is no indication that this mother sought help. The real tragedy here is the child. And I also have had to shut off the radio so my daughter does not hear people talking about giving children back. It is her biggest fear & after almost 4 years home with us still doesn't trust that this is forever.

I was adopted at the age of 10 from Korea in 1972 into a Prostestant, religiously fundamental family in an all white suburb of Minneapolis, MN. At that time, adoption experts promoted forced acculturation and denial of a cultural/ethnic/language identity of a child. I wish I was returned home. Not only did the family and siblings reject me, they relegated me to nothing more than a domestic servant. When I was legally old enough, I fled that awful family and never turned back.

We adopted 2 children from Russia at ages 1 and 3 and had a 5yr old at home. The 3 yr old girl has Reactive Attachment Disorder. She was violent and unpredictable and got WORSE as she got older...stealng, attacking her siblings, setting fires in the house, killing pets, shoplifting, running away. At age 11 she was contacting men using our cell phones to try to set up sexual trysts....ALL OF THIS IN SPITE OF THERAPY, COUNSELLING, PSYCHIATRISTS, MEDICATION. Fortunately we had the financial resources to deal with this, although it wiped out our savings, retirement accounts, and college funds. She was placed in a residential facility for 5yrs until she turned 18. I never knew what a true sociopath was until I met this child. The impact on the rest of the family is ongoing. This is not something that can be solved by a loving family and some counselling. This is a mental illness that is dangerous and permanent. The system in the US does not recognize the HUGE magnitude of mental illness. That's what needs to be fixed.

There are many people hurt by this offensive question -- kids especially. It's sensationalist and disturbing coming from public radio. There are many ways you could have gone with this tragic tale that would not mean further pain and further misrepresentation of the wonders of adoption. I have to turn off the radio so my child doesn't hear your disgusting, off-handed promos. Please stop them! Molly is exactly right. Thank you The Take Away for opening up "the conversation" with a divisive question that invites people to say "Yes, you can return a child." How is this living up to your claims of "news and analysis?"

I've stopped listenng to the Takeaway, but sadly, I can't escape your snarky promos for your offensive "conversations." because they air so frequently. Should parents be allowed to return their adoptive children? Why not other conversational gambits like: Should parents be permitted to beat and abuse their children when they misbehave? Should parents be able to dump their kids if they end up in wheelchairs or otherwise impaired? One expects this kind of sensational, outrageous drek from the big media outlets, but Public Radio! This kind of spin on a harrowing story hurts EVERYONE in the adoption community -- especially from a media outlet we like to fancy as enlightened. Would you air rubbish like this if Adaora Udoji, adoptive parent, were still a co-host?

Absolutely not. I do not have the choice to "return" my biological child, why should an adoptive parent have any right to return their child. When someone decides to be a parent, it is a lifelong obligation that will inevitably be full of wonderful and terrible moments, but there are no returns. What the Tennessee woman did is absolutely horrifying to me and I'm not quite sure if she shouldn't be facing reckless endangerment charges...

I agree with Mary from florida. As a matter of fact, when we adopted our two children from South Korea, that was exactly what happened. The adoptions weren't final until at least six months after they had been placed in our home. Maybe that model might be a good idea for all international adoptions.

I think there should be a time of adjustment before the adoption is final; maybe 6 months to a year. I agree with Cate that sometimes information is not disclosed on children and in those cases, you should not be stuck with a problem you knew nothing about. I also agree that kids aren't commodities; however, you should not have to keep a child that it turns out had problems you weren't aware of.